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The Next Generation

Superior Way STNG 3

By J Theissen

"Superior Way"

INT. voice over - DAY

Captain picard

Captain's log, Stardate 46355 point one.

The Enterprise is heading to Arcturus Five, where we shall drop off my brother Lucius. During our journey, I hope to inspire the crew with the production of a Shakespeare drama. I will be the director of our new ship stage play.

(On the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.)

Data

On course to Arcturus Five captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Thank you Mr. Data.

You may reduce speed to warp one. We are in no particular hurry now.

DATA

Aye sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

We shall now move through space... at a more leisurely pace.

DATA

Ah! Poetry captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

How's that Mr. Data?

DATA

Such wonderful poetry captain.

"We shall move through space

At a more leisurely pace."

CAPTAIN PICARD

By Jove, so it is.

Commander riker

Brilliant poem sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Thank you Number One. But modesty forbids me from claiming that I took time to compose the verse.

COMMANDER RIKER

Even more brilliant then, to compose right off the top of your head.

(Slightly embarrassed, and also proud, the captain acknowledges with a wave of his hand)

CAPTAIN PICARD

Very kind of you Number One.

Data, my mechanical friend, your appreciation for poetic verse proves once again that you are as human as the rest of us.

DATA

Thank you very much captain. I am flattered. If I had human emotions I would, well, I do not know, I-

Worf

(leans over and whispers to Data)

I'd pee my pants.

DATA

I would pee my pants!

ComMANDER RIKER

Worf!

CAPTAIN PICARD

Mister Worf. Back to your post please.

WORF

Yes captain.

(Worf smiles to himself.)

(The turbolift door opens, and different crew personnel fan out to various stations around the bridge.)

ComMANDER RIKER

Shift change.

(Data stands up and moves back, and a new crewman sits down at Data's post.)

CAPTAIN PICARD

It's delightful to see our cultural diversity working so splendidly! Data, motorized demi-man, being replaced at the helm by Lieutenant Goldberg, Jew.

DATA

Ah yes. Jewish male. Distinguished, whilst an infant, by undergoing the Castration Ceremony.

(Counselor Troi smiles an embarrassed smile)

ComMANDER RIKER

(Riker face palms, then lowers his hands.)

Circumcision ceremony Data.

DATA

I see. I will make the correction in my information storage files.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Why don't you meet with me, Data, later on. We can rehearse our lines for the forthcoming ship play- Hamlet.

DATA

Very good sir.

(Data leaves the bridge)

CAPTAIN PICARD

I am determined, you see, to make Enterprise personnel no less than the finest theater company in the fleet.

ComMANDER RIKER

Marvelous idea captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

With enough hard work, I am sure we can put on the best plays in Starfleet.

Now, from what I hear, the Starship Montgomery is also soon to perform Hamlet. I have my suspicions...

COUNSELOR TROI

Suspicions Captain?

CaPTAIN PICARD

They're trying to upstage us.

CoMMANDER RIKER

You could be right captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Frankly, I wouldn't put it past the captain of the Montgomery to try to have the top rated stage play in Starfleet.

COMMANDER RIKER

We'll see about that!

CAPTAIN PICARD

That's the spirit Number One!

It was last year, at a conference in San Francisco, that the captain of the Montgomery made it clear that he thought his production of Julius Caesar was the best in Starfleet.

Well, I disagree most strongly with that assessment I must say.

Did you read the reviews last year Number One?

COMMANDER RIKER

Afraid not sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Did you happen to read about it, Mister Worf?

WORF

I did not.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Counselor?

COUNSELOR TROI

No.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Mmm. Well, I grant you the reviews were mostly positive, but hardly good enough to give top honors of the year.

(Picard looks briefly to the distance)

CaPTAIN PICARD

No matter. We will work night and day to have the better reviewed Hamlet.

Sfx- transition music

INT. enterprise - DAY

hallway in the Enterprise

Lucius Picard walks in a corridor and sees the captain.

Lucius picard

Jean-Luc.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Ah, there you are Lucius.

LUCIUS PICARD

Have you given any further thought to joining us on Arcturus Five?

CAPTAIN PICARD

I shall remain as I am. A Starfleet captain.

LUCIUS PICARD

You could be a high ranking officer on Arcturus.

CaPTAIN PICARD

No thank you.

LuCIUS PICARD

Our system of government is the ideal one.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I have concerns about your colleagues. Aristocrats and businessmen, taking over an entire planet. Could be a violation of the Prime Directive.

LUCIUS PICARD

I told you before, we are not a part of the Federation. We reject their principles. Since we're not members of your organization, we are not constrained by its rules.

CAPTAIN PICARD

On this subject then, let us agree to disagree.

I have an excellent idea. To take our minds off of quarrelsome political rhetoric, why don't you watch our stage rehearsals.

LUCIUS PICARD

Producing a play are you?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh yes indeed we are. Hamlet you know.

LUCIUS PICARD

Right here on the ship?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Certainly. We have the facilities.

LUCIUS PICARD

I don't know. Any members of the Royal Shakespeare Company?

CAPTAIN PICARD

I'm afraid not.

LuCIUS PICARD

Any Etonians or Oxfordians in the cast?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Not at present, no.

LUCIUS PICARD

I'm not favorably impressed I must say.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I shall be the director.

LUCIUS PICARD

I suppose you'll be insisting to the cast and crew that William 'Shak-spear' wrote Hamlet.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Well of course, who else could have-

Oh dear, Lucius, you're not going to bring up that tired old Oxford nonsense again are you.

LUCIUS PICARD

It is understood by any well bred and sufficiently educated individual that the Seventeenth Earl of Oxford wrote the plays.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Sacrilege. Shakespeare wrote his plays. He and no other.

LUCIUS PICARD

Piffle I say. Nothing less than piffle. Hamlet, Macbeth, Romeo and Juliette, all written by Oxford.

CAPTAIN PICARD

We have argued this before. I have no wish to continue. No one but the great Stratfordian authored those works.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a play to direct.

The captain briskly walks away.

Sfx- door woosh

INT. eNTERPRISE THEATER- DAY

In the ship's theater.

Captain Picard and others stand on the stage. The captain claps his hands together.

CAPTAIN PICARD

People, people, listen up.

I am confident our production of Hamlet will achieve excellence, in the finest tradition of the stage. And that is something we can be justly proud of, because after all, theater is the most important of all art forms.

WORF

(not convinced)

Why make a big deal about theater.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Ye gods! Mister Worf, where I come from beworshipment of theater is the way of things. As an Englishman, lust for the stage is customary.

Counselor troi

But I thought the English were famous for "No sex please we're British".

CAPTAIN PICARD

I don't mean that kind of lust. No no. I'm referring to a deep love for plays and theater.

CouNSELOR TROI

I see.

CaPTAIN PICARD

"The play's the thing" as Mister Hamlet himself said. Oh yes.

Shakespeare, you see, is the most important playwright, and Hamlet is one of his most significant works.

I do love Hamlet so.

CoUNSELOR TROI

The play or the character?

CAPTAIN PICARD

By the way, I have decided that Mister Worf shall play the role of the evil King Claudius.

WORF

King Claudius. Aye captain.

DATA

Captain, why is William Shakespeare so important?

CAPTAIN PICARD

The answer to that, my curious chum, is particularly relevant to you. You see, Mister Data, there is no better way to learn about the human condition than studying Shakespeare plays.

Lt. Niles

How about studying real people.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I'm not quite with you.

Lt. NILES

You know, rather than fictional characters.

CAPTAIN PICARD

No, no. For Shakespeare's characters are more real, more alive, more human, than actual people.

Understand?

Lt. NILES

Frankly no.

WORF

One playwright couldn't have been that good.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Good heavens, Mister Worf, you're just lucky you aren't in England when saying that.

WORF

They must take Shakespeare seriously there.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh indeed they do.

Sfx- intercom hail

ComMANDER RIKER

(voice from intercom)

Captain Picard, we are now orbiting Arcturus Five.

CAPTAIN PICARD

On my way to the bridge Number One.

I hate to interrupt what we're doing everyone, but I'll return as soon as I can. Carry on.

Sfx- transition music

INT. bRIDGE - DAY

CAPTAIN PICARD

Standard orbit around the planet.

Sfx- door woosh

(Lift door opens and Lucius Picard enters the bridge.)

LuCIUS PICARD

I shall be leaving Jean-Luc. Before I go, I will put it to you one last time- come with me and you and can have a lucrative position amongst the ruling class.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I shall once again decline your offer.

LuCIUS PICARD

You can make tremendously profitable returns in the housing market.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I have no need for money in Starfleet. Besides I don't see how housing can be a market.

LuCIUS PICARD

You're hopelessly behind the times.

Good bye Jean-luc.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Goodbye Lucius.

(Lucius turns and goes to the turbolift and exits the bridge.)

Sfx- door woosh

ComMANDER RIKER

Pleasure to have met your brother captain.

CaPTAIN PICARD

It's a pity he wasn't able to stay and see our play. Oh well.

Take us out of orbit on impulse power after my brother has beamed down.

ComMANDER RIKER

Aye captain.

Captain, incoming transmission from Starfleet Command. We're ordered to patrol the border of the Romulan Neutral Zone.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Make it so Number One.

ComMANDER RIKER

Making it so.

CaPTAIN PICARD

Has my brother left the ship?

ComMANDER RIKER

Yes sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Good. Now I can get back to the important work of practicing for our stage production.

Take over Number One. I shall be in rehearsals.

ComMANDER RIKER

Aye captain.

(Picard exits the bridge.)

Sfx- door woosh

ComMANDER RIKER (CONT'D)

All steady as she goes.

Sfx- door woosh

(Worf enters the bridge)

WORF

Reporting for duty.

ComMANDER RIKER

Take your station Worf.

(Worf goes to his station.)

WORF

Commander, we're receiving an uncoded transmission from deep space- it's a distress call.

ComMANDER RIKER

Distress call?

WORF

They're claiming to be in danger.

ComMANDER RIKER

Who's sending it? What's the problem?

WORF

Unspecified.

ComMANDER RIKER

Sounds suspicious.

WORF

I agree. Distress signals always turn out to be fake. Just about every one of them turns out to be a trick, a ruse of some sort.

ComMANDER RIKER

I am a bit tired of being suckered into traps by distress calls.

WORF

Let's not respond to it.

ComMANDER RIKER

You're right, we'll ignore it.

Besides, Captain Picard made it quite clear he doesn't want to be disturbed while he's in rehearsal for his play.

WORF

Frick tock! I just remembered, I'm supposed be at dress rehearsal now.

ComMANDER RIKER

Well you better go. Don't want to keep the captain waiting.

WORF

Right.

(Worf quickly leaves the bridge.)

Sfx- door woosh

INT. eNTERPRISE - DAY

CAPTAIN PICARD

(voice over)

Captain's log: supplemental. I'm conducting a dress rehearsal in the ship's theater. I do want everything to be just right for our important stage play.

In SHIP'S theater

CaPTAIN PICARD

Alright people, let's take it from the top shall we. I will read Hamlet's part- and where's Mister Worf?

Worf arrives in costume and hustles to the others.

WORF

Here captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Ah, you look very regal in your kingly costume Mister Worf.

WORF

If you say so sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Counselor Troi, does Ophelia have to wear such a low cut dress?

CoUNSELOR TROI

I'm used to wearing low cut, tight-fitting clothes.

CAPTAIN PICARD

One, uh...one realizes that but-

CoUNSELOR TROI

Shows off my bosom.

(she smiles mischievously)

CaPTAIN PICARD

Well, yes, but not necessary if you don't mind.

Sfx- intercom hail

GEORDI

(voice from intercom)

Captain, an urgent message from the planet Arcturus Five.

CAPTAIN PICARD

What do they want?

GEORDI

It's your brother.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Let me hear.

LUCIUS PICARD

(voice from intercom)

I have returned to widespread economic chaos! Housing market collapsed. Too many speculators. Banks failing left and right. Economy in ruins.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Oh dear.

LuCIUS PICARD

(intercom)

We need help from the Federation. We demand an economic rescue package. We need a bailout!

WORF

Suggestion Captain. Tell him to stick an economic rescue package up his-

CAPTAIN PICARD

Let's not get carried away Mister Worf.

WORF

Well...tell him the Prime Directive forbids a bailout.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Yes, we must follow that requirement.

Mister Geordi, tell my brother we have no choice in the matter. We have orders to depart from the area, and besides we cannot violate the Prime Directive.

GEORDI

(intercom)

Will do sir.

Pause.

Intercom hail.

GEORDI

(intercom)

I relayed your message to Lucius Picard.

CAPTAIN PICARD

What was his reply?

GEORDI

(intercom)

Lots of shouting and profanity.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Merciful heavens. Well, I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.

WORF

Tough luck.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I must say I was somewhat skeptical about the whole planetary scheme as Lucius described it.

CoUNSELOR TROI

Good thing you stayed with us captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Indeed.

Well, back to the important work at hand- the noble Prince of Denmark.

WORF

Who?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Hamlet, Mister Worf. Good heavens. Have you learned nothing yet?

Sfx- door woosh

CAPTAIN PICARD (CONT'D)

Oh hobbledy-hoi, another interruption.

(Door opens and Riker walks in)

ComMANDER RIKER

Captain, Starfleet is ordering us to the Neutral Zone at maximum speed. Romulan warships seen in the area.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Fiddlesticks. We will have to comply then.

ComMANDER RIKER

Sir, it could mean that war with the Romulan Empire is imminent.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Tragedy. An absolute tragedy.

CoUNSELOR TROI

It certainly is.

CAPTAIN PICARD

It's a tragedy we may have to postpone the opening of our ship play due to the Romulans.

Well ladies and gentlemen, although we are about to go to all out war, let us, in the great tradition of the theater, continue our rehearsal.

WORF

Is that wise captain?

CAPTAIN PICARD

The show must go on. We must not let anything interrupt what I'm sure will be an outstanding performance of Hamlet. Anyway the ship will take us to where we need to go whilst we rehearse.

ComMANDER RIKER

I really think we should return to the bridge sir.

WORF

I agree with Commander Riker captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I'd prefer to continue rehearsals, but if you really think it best Number One.

ComMANDER RIKER

I do.

CAPTAIN PICARD

(sighs)

Very well. Return to the bridge everyone.

(They all head to the doorway.)

Sfx- door woosh

INT. bridge - DAY

DaTA

Approaching Neutral Zone captain.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Go to red alert.

WORF

Scanners show no Romulan vessels in the area.

ComMANDER RIKER

Communication from Starfleet sir. Romulan ships have withdrawn from the Neutral Zone. Hostilities averted.

COUNSELOR TROI

Thank goodness.

CAPTAIN PICARD

That is quite irritating you know. To suspend our rehearsals of Shakespeare's great play for no good reason. Really quite annoying.

ComMANDER RIKER

I agree sir, nevertheless-

CoUNSELOR TROI

We avoided a horrible war.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Theater is very important. It shouldn't be interrupted. We're talking about Hamlet here.

I'd like to give those Romulans a piece of my mind, I can tell you. I really would.

WORF

Why not send the Romulans a popular Klingon phrase- "Huck tock heck toke!"

COUNSELOR TROI

What does that mean Mr. Worf?

WORF

Uh, I'd rather not say. It's a bit rude.

In fact it's extremely rude.

CAPTAIN PICARD

I am upset with the Romulans, that's for sure. Those chaps deserve a serious reprimand.

Pause.

But, on further thought, we'd better not. Don't want to risk diplomatic complications you know.

WORF

Uh oh.

ComMANDER RIKER

What do you mean "uh oh" Worf?

WORF

When the captain said he was upset with the Romulans, I assumed...

CAPTAIN PICARD

Go on Mister Worf.

WORF

I sent the message.

ComMANDER RIKER

Oh no.

DaTA

Given the tenuous diplomatic relations between the Federation and the Romulans, Mr. Worf's message may prove to be...unhelpful.

CAPTAIN PICARD

You have a marvelous way of understating things Mr. Data. But let us not dwell on what those Romulan devils will or will not do.

Number One, inform Starfleet that due to special circumstances, we cannot patrol the Neutral Zone area, and that we should, at this time, be as far away from Romulan space as possible.

COMMANDER RIKER

Aye captain.

(Riker goes to a bridge station.)

CAPTAIN PICARD

Now, whilst our reliable ship takes us away from those unpleasant Romulans...

(Riker returns alongside the captain.)

CAPTAIN PICARD

...let us return at once to the important issue of the day-

COMMANDER RIKER

Let me guess: Return to rehearsal?

CAPTAIN PICARD

Indeed.

And you, Mister Data, can continue your study of human nature via our wonderful play.

DATA

Very well sir. Thank you sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

You're welcome Data.

Maximum warp away from this place.

DATA

Aye sir.

CAPTAIN PICARD

Thank goodness everything is back to normal.

ComMANDER RIKER

Absolutely captain.

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Evil Must Be Opposed.
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(DS9: Rocks and Shoals)

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